Your analogy was stillborn! It was never alive! -Akimi
“The best part of waking up is drinking coffee pooped by a cat!”
President Bush hates the Earth so much that he literally just punched the air! I hate you, air!
George Bush: green president…or greenest president?
Have you ever gone all the way with a tree?
I am a gangsta host! I will pop the truth in your ass!
You don't want to mess with O'Reilly! He will pop a loofa in your ass!
You say potato, I beat you with a po-ta-to!
When life gives you lemons, keep the receipt!
Okay, so all the dogs don’t run away: some of them stay to develop a drinking problem in Canton.
But there’s nothing in the Constitution that says: “Don’t torture”.
(While discussing torture) Why do you have to look at the glass half-empty? Why can’t it be half-full with a guy’s face in it?
(While discussing “West Side Story”) Easy, Action. No need to resort to ballet violence.
YOUR IPHONE CAN KILL YOU.
Is George Washington our first part-hippo president?
My “Make McCain Exciting” is easier to do than “Make McCain President”.
John McCain: It’s like he has a vagina.
(On McCain’s speech) It was more boring than watching paint dry: I know because I painted over the screen while he was giving his speech.
Wow. What a stupid cracker.
Those Republicans dished out a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked.
John McCain wants to harvest the organs of sleeping toddlers.
Why doesn’t President Bush have super-powers?
I know the knife is supposed to go next to the spoon…but where does the gun go?
And by my calculation, if two more states legalize gay marriage, God goes ape-shit.
People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I have a late night talk show.
McCain ’08: Cambodians are taller than you think.
As a bonus, it microwaves your groceries…and your pets.
(On McCain’s unpredictability) He could rule the country with a ouija board!
(On Republicans “make love, not war”) Are you saying that the Republicans don’t know how to screw anybody?!
(On the pumpkin shortage) She’s clearly entering the first stages of pumpkin grief.
Prescott Oil: Leave us alone. We’re on it.
Intersexuals? This is not traffic court!
What do atheists yell during sex? “Oh, nothingness!”
(To an atheist lobby) Miss Brown, thank you for taking the time out to talk to me on your way to eternal damnation.
The press is all over it like a bunch of drunk badgers!
I hope everyone on the front row brought their ponchos for when his head explodes!
Trust me, you walk into a bar with OJ Simpson, the women flock to YOU.
(holds out his hands) JAIL, PLEEASE!
Julie (the Booker): Gandhi’s dead, Stephen.
Stephen: Send him a fruit basket! He’ll show.
Oh, Colbert you're so awesome. =3