I has quotes. That's what this comm is for, yes?
Oh Sweet Jesus Christ on a Waffle Cone, WHAT???
I’m gonna Ctrl-Alt-Delete you so hard, your Mom won’t be able to reboot!
You oversized Speak-and-Spell!
(About McCain) He’s old! Of course he’s angry!
Rush [Limbaugh] knows what black people think. How else would he convince 100% of them to not listen to his show?
Most people say McCain doesn’t have a prayer, but I say God is with him, mostly because they used to be college roommates.
I actually meant Canton, Kansas. That place is a sh*thole!
I don’t know about you, but that scares the sh*t out of me.
CORY BOOKER WANTS TO EAT US!!
Leave it to California to give chickens the right to do the Hokey Pokey.
(about Vaxamax) It’s like a Pixie Stick that tastes like meat.
(about Vaxachub) If you experience erections lasting longer than four hours…you are welcome.
Giving a fly glasses is like giving a bear nun-chucks.
F*ck you with a frog leg!
Hey, teleprompter! Stop telling me what to do! Pause! This is The Colbert Report!
Now I already thought any card with a blank inside was atheist already.
(about children reading) But at what level do they watch TV?
(about balls) I’ve only got two and I can barely keep them from destroying the world!
Hey! Only one person gets to play God: Morgan Freeman!
Oh, nation. That wasn’t me up there. That was my stage persona Sasha Fierce!
(about all-you-can-eat restaurant in Reno) All-You-Can-Eat for life! We’re gonna get us some banana pudding, motherf*ckers!
They think they can win…by WINNING!
(to Michael Phelps) Is making love to you like doing the butterfly? And does someone one have to fire a gun first?
That’s easy: I get up every morning and huff Clorox.
A radical Centrist? Isn’t that like being a take-no-prisoners pussy?
The hills are alive with the sound of WOLVES! Run! RUN, MARIA!
If the English wanted to eat something gamey and with 90% bones, why don’t they just eat Amy Winehouse?
Stay out of my f*cking trashcan! I am not running a goddamn squirrel motel!
Invisible money? How do you know if someone steals it?
Remember to have your pets spayed or neutered because my pets are out there humpin’ their brains out!
I feel like someone’s been water-boarding my heart.
I just feel like my heart is about to explode because it’s full of rainbows!
Scotch tape: either change your name or get me drunk!
Have you ever had a chicken nugget? It’s a miracle of science.
What country can we invade to fix this?
Are you telling me there are stem cells in my iPhone?
Who the f*ck is Sarah Palin??? You mean that hot librarian chick?!
A Gatorade dunk is like a baptism of electrolytes.
It’s Jesus face-masking a linebacker!
I’ve got a great new children’s book. It’s called “F*ck it! We’re all going to die!”
Jesus: I’ll meet you at the Arby’s at which I assume we’ll both be working!
When life gives you lemons, make scrambled eggs! Man, I make really bad scrambled eggs.
A man whose charisma could only be rivaled by a giant Brad Pitt made of puppies!
I am so sorry for slavery—PLEASE TAKE THE SPIDER OFF MY HEAD!!!!!
(on rap) Then the Medina gets funky and cold.
(on getting guns off the streets) Finally: no more gun prostitution!
Of course this raises one obvious question: who’s been f**king our ping pong balls?
(to a scientist) Let me ask you this: have you ever stood over a bubbling beaker and yelled ‘those fools at the academy’?
Are you injecting gasoline into third world babies?
Hey Dr. Manhattan: where’s your glowing blue medical degree?
Nation: I’ve always said rainbows are just God’s way of frowning at gay people.
I am going to slap a baby with a puppy!
(to guest Mark Devlin) Are you saying Arnold Swartzenegger has superpowers? You ARE Lex Luthor!
We should have end of the world sex right now!
DRINK MOTHERF*CKER, DRINK MOTHERF*CKER, DRINK!
[The Chinese] are never gonna do that. They’re gonna keep putting dioxins in their incinerators and sending them over here and turning us into The Incredible Hulk.
(about Russian dogs riding the subway) Aww, they think they’re people! They want their souls crushed by a morning commute just like us!
(on the evolution of God) It is evolution: it is survival of the Jesus-est.
Listen, we’re getting off-track by you being wrong.
Sugar is Jesus’ dandruff.
Hi, I'm a Marvel and I'm a DC:
Hi, I’m a Marvel….And I’m a DC
Wolverine: The only good thing that came outta this whole mess was knowin’ that was STILL kicked your sorry behind at the box office. Hell, you even got beaten out in one weekend by that idiot kid over there!
Spiderman: (offscreen) Hey, what did I do?
Wolverine: SHUT UP!
Superman: Bruce, this could be the start of a beautiful…tolerance.
Goblin: Oh yeah, why would you wanna watch some one fight in a superhero action movie when you can watch someone THINK? Coming this summer: Lex Luthor thinks! How did that pitch meeting go? “Ready for this guys? Lex Luthor’s gonna think!” “How much?” “Two hundred million.” “SOLD!”
Uncle Ben: Well, my boy may not be able to lift Kryptonite mountains, but he’s held his own against some pretty rotten people.
Jor-El: Oh, you just HAD to bring up the Kryptonite mountain.
UB: Well, you know, if you’d pick up the pace a little bit in your scenes you could have had time for more.
JE: Oh, what do you want from me? I’m a dead actor saying prerecorded lines from the 70’s playing a dead father saying prerecorded lines from Krypton. Pace and delivery are pretty much moot points by now, I’d say. I suppose you’d rather I were like you and say the same line over and over again, because you know for second there I forgot what comes with great power!
UB: Oh, well there’s a difference, you see: for my boy, it’s great responsibility but apparently for your son it means NO responsibility because if MY boy knocked up some girl, I tell you right now, he’d marry her!
Spiderman: O-kay, Uncle Ben time to go…
UB: No, Peter, I got this! I GOT THIS!
Superman: Alright, Dad, it’s time to go…
JE: No, I can take him! I can take him!
Superman: I am so sorry…
Spiderman: I’m sorry.
Superman: You know, at times like these I almost envy the way Batman interacts with his parents.
Spiderman: I know, right? They never talk at all!
Superman: No, they just kind of…stare at him.
Superman: (holding up his glass) And here’s to a World’s Finest movie.
Batman: Settle down, Clark. Spidey?
Spidey: Oh, right. Thanks.
S: Ah, let it go, Bats.
S: Hey Bruce?
S: What’s in that pocket?
B: Brass knuckles.
S: And that pocket?
B: Laser cutter.
S: And that pocket?
S: And that pocket?
B: Meow mix.
B: It’s personal.
S: Oh. And that pocket?
B: Tool kit.
S: And that pocket?
S: And that pocket?
B: Flash bombs.
S: And that big pocket?
B: …That’s not a pocket. –After Hours 2
Spiderman: So what about the batmobile?
Batman: What about it?
S: Can I drive it?
S: Can I sit in it?
S: Can I touch it?
S: Can I look at it?
S: I can’t even look at it?!
S: (sulkily) Bet you’d let Robin drive it.
B: I trained him, of course I’d let him drive it.
B: No! Sit down, Tim!
Spidey: The Fantastic Four are letting me drive their car!
Batman: Oh really?
Spidey: Yeah, I’m gonna guest star in their next movie.
Spidey: No! Shut up, Johnny! –After Hours
Goblin: Hey Lex!
Goblin: Venom just puked over the balcony! I think it’s moving!
Lex: Oh God…
“With great power comes great responsibility…to KICK ASS!” –Season 2 Promo
Spiderman: Well, I think the killer might be—
Spiderman: But I didn’t even say anything—
Spiderman: So you know what I’m gonna say before I—
Spiderman: Then what number am I—
Batman: (sarcastically) Oh, thank God. You’re alive.
Spiderman: Please don’t tell anyone I webbed myself.
Iron Man: I don’t come with childhood drama…
Batman: And I don’t have herpes.
Iron Man: Oh, real mature, man! That’s not even true!
Batman: Withdrawn, withdrawn…
Iron Man: Emo!
Iron Man: I give people the impression that I’m a jerk.
Batman: I give people panic attacks.
Batman: I AM THE NIGHT.
Hellboy: …….I like cats.
Batman: …me too.
Hellboy: Is that why you have Meow Mix in your pocket?
Batman: That’s personal.
Hulk: You hear sad music when you walk away too?
Hellboy: Let’s see. (walks away)
Hulk: Hear any yet? …hello?
Hulk: First rule of Reboot: do not talk about Reboot. Just be vague enough about it and hope everyone goes along with it.
Spiderman: What’d you let him drink for? He’s an alcoholic!
Batman: I gathered that around the fifth round of Yager, although a heads up would have been nice.
Spiderman: Alright, get up, Tony. Maybe you shouldn’t have mentioned your movies.
Batman: Maybe YOU shouldn’t have invited him to a bar.
Wolverine: (upside down, getting head smashed into floor by Magneto) Ow! Ow! Ow! You always do this when you want to win an argument!
Spiderman: How does Lance make Employee of the Month?
Batman: Check out his competition.
Hulk: (sobbing while watching Hulk series) Oh, marathon!
Lance: Boss wanted to open up a bar for superheroes, then he found out most superheroes don’t drink, hence water is $4.95.
Nightwing: They don’t drink, but they tolerate price gouging??
Lance: Dude, I have other tables.
Lance: Dude no way I’m disappearing ah. (disappears)
Lex: Will you get out of here? I’m trying to think!
Goblin: (drunk) Well in that case, let me get my camera! Don’t wanna let THIS moment slip away.
Goblin: OW! Whatta ya doin?!
Batman: I’m pinching a nerve in your left hand. Now that I have your attention, take your right hand and reach into my fourth pocket to the right.
Goblin: Fine, geez! Don’t mind the fact that my heart just got shoved into a toaster oven—GAAAH! OW! WHAT?
Batman: THAT’S NOT A POCKET.
Hulk: At least Hulk not sell out on Hulk’s darkness! First Hulk movie so dark, they have to make new movie less dark.
Batman: Oh no, it was dark, I’ll give you that. I know I wanted to kill myself after it was over.
Spiderman: (takes tracking device from Goblin’s neck) This tracer?
Goblin: (high) Is that my SOUL?
Goblin: (still high) You just blew my mind with that.
Goblin: (still high) Oh my God, that is so sad, guys! Argh! You guys are bumming me out so much right now I don’t know if I can ever go back to being happy—(Batman gives him another sedative) SUMMER TIIIIIIIIME! And the living is eaaaaaaasy!
Goblin & Lex: DON’T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME BABY! SAID YOU’D BECOMING BACK THIS WAY AGAIN BABY! BABY, BABY, BABY, OH BABY! I LOOOOOVE YOOOOU!
Goblin: (still high) Hey, pretty lady, you wanna make out?
Spidey: Still me, Gobby.
Goblin: Oh. …So you wanna make out?
Spidey: No, but you should definitely ask Logan.
Iron Man: (punches Goblin)
Spiderman: (in slow-mo) Tony, what the hell??
Goblin: (flying through the air in slow-mo) This is awesome!
Spiderman: Yeah, that would be great if that actually happened—WE’RE GONNA FREAKIN’ DIE!
Goblin: We came! We saw! We kicked their ass!
Goblin: I’m an excellent driver. Gimme the keys, man! Gimme the keys!
Batman: I have a feeling the Joker is getting closer.
Goblin: (comes up behind Lex and shakes him) And Lexy’s getting laaaaaarger!
Lex: They’re here, sir. Should I hold them here, sir?
Joker: You do that, Lexy. I’ll be right there. (evil laughter)
Bats & Spidey: (now are behind Lex)
Joker: They heard me laughing, didn’t they?
Lex: Yes sir.
Joker: Yeah, I need to work on that.
Lex: (being interrogated) Whatcha gonna do with all that junk? All that junk up in that trunk?
Goblin: (high) See? What’d I tell ya?
Lex: (high) Wow. This is some good s—(camera cuts to Superman)
Goblin: Dude, see that Wonder Woman back there? Yeah, I coulda hit that.
Batman: So whoever controls Lance controls the heroes. (DUN!)
Spidey: And now the Joker has Lance! (DUN!)
Goblin: (holding up a magazine) There’s a sale at Penny’s! (DUN!)
Goblin: Hello again, Mistress. The safe word is pumpkin. Sound good?
Wonder Woman: (grabs his arm)
Goblin: Pumpkin, pumpkin, PUMPKIN!
Iron Man: Hey kids! Which horribly disfigured psychopath is your favorite? Collect all three and get a free straightjacket!
Director: Can you do it more sarcastically?
Venom: I can rip your intestines out sarcastically.
Juggernaut: Do you want me to threaten them too? Like “Don’t go to this website or I’ll kill your parents!” ‘Cause I can do it if you want me to.
Deadpool: Hi, I’m a Marvel—WOAH!
Deadpool: I SMELL SIT-COM! RORSCACH AND DEADPOOOOOOOOOL! A nut and a fooooool! He’s a mental case! Music’s not his thing! So I wrote the theme! I’m so talented! RORSCACH AND DEADPOOOOOOOOOOOL! Copy and I’ll suuuuuuuuue! I think that the song should end right here! Ah, maybe you should just shoot me.
Rorschach: (shoots him) …you don’t die, do you?
Deadpool: Hi, I’m a Marvel.
The Comedian: And I’m a D—(Deadpool shoots him)
Deadpool: And boom goes the dynamite. Deadpool: wins!
Iron Man: People! How big can this movie be? (light flashes)
Jesus: My children…I have come back to you. The sheer awesomeness of the Dark Knight has brought about my Second Coming and with it The Rapture, which shall begin immediately…after the 7:45 showing. I gotta see this bad boy.
Wolverine: We've got no captain and no first officer to replace him.
Spidey: Yeah, we do.
Wolverine: No, we don't.
Spidey: Yeah we do.
Wolvie: No we don't!
Spidey: Yeah we do.
Wolvie: No we don't!
Spidey: Yeah we do.
Wolvie: Get out of the chair!
Batman: (after turning back into himself instead of his 60’s version) What just happened?
Superman: I don’t know.
Batman: Well, whenever I figure out what it is we’re gonna pretend it never happened.
Spidey: (comes out of hiding) Is it safe?
Spidey: (unconscious mumbling) Sure, Sam. Jazz hands are totally a super-power.
Batman: Hittin’ the milkshakes pretty hard there, kid.
Spidey: Leave me alone.
Batman: You sure you gonna be okay to drive?
Spidey: Stop it.
Batman: ‘Cause I got a car.
Revel in the awesomeness of my huevos. Kyo out. \m/